imperfection.is.beauty x

As we grown up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, and remember how it feels when your heart was broken. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. The truth is... I gave a piece of me away - all of it and never really got it back.

I was heading to the kitchen to hang out with my housemates when i looked up before i reached the fire door and I saw him Jeremy whispering things in my housemates Kitty's ear that he used to whisper in mine - they are looking at each other laughing - are they laughing at me? I can't tear my eyes away as he is touching her dress and she's laughing as she touches his chest and I can't look anymore it's killing me. They kiss - and they keep on kissing and it's no secret that they are together because my other housemates leave the kitchen and laugh at them telling them to get a room. they don't act surprised - it's like everyone knew what was going on - it's like it's been going on for ages.

I turn away and leave them. I head back to my room feeling betrayed not by Jeremy but by my so called housemates - they all knew and allowed me to be humilated.

I'm standing in the shower trying to think about my night out my housemates want me to come on. I never said anything but I wonder if they know that i know. Or is inviting me out tonight part of this freak show? I'm still standing when I let the first tear fall - that was a very big mistake because soon I can't stop the tears as they are running down my cheeks and soon I'm choking on my tears as i think back to his secret meet ups in his room - like i was some kind of booty call. god i feel like such a slut. I'm crying not because I'm sad, it's not because my chest hurts so much and my mind hurts when I try to sort everything out in my head. this hurts so much and I don't know what to do.

I'm dressed up in my favourite outfit - I'm deciding the only way i'm going to get through this hiding behind this permenent smile. If these people knew me at all, they would realise that my eyes are not smiling. They infact simply hurt.

Everyone must think I'm crazy hanging out here pretending that nothing is happening - but I'll be okay about it in the morning. I was screawed over, there's nothing I can do about it now. All I can do is eat icecream - a lot of icecream.

We're sitting at a table and everyone seems to be having a good time. there's a point where nodody's at the table but me and Jeremy. I smile - I'm trying to be polite - I don't want to be known as the crazy kinda didn't quite make it ex.

"Having a good night?" He questions

"Yeah, Yeah I am." I smile and suddenly feel like I can't do this pretence anymore. I really want to go home. Lucky for me Serena didn't feel well and wanted to go home so i made my excuses and left.

I tuck myself in bed and the last thing on my mind was why would my housemates keep something like that from me.

So I'm in HMV checking out some CD's, I'm looking for Super Junior, even though I know they won't have any. There's a guy in the next aisle that's watching me. I don't need to look up to know that he's looking at me. I'm wondering what he's looking at - I'm trying to decide between the bad hair or the braces that just happens to show every time I grin I catch his eye.

I cuss myself when he starts to come over - it's not that he's not cute or anything it's just I'm not interested in whatever he's offering - I'm not good at this - really, really not good at this.

But it's too late; he's standing in front of me and his lips are moving, and I've just been thinking that his blonde hair and blue eyes remind me of Marc Warren so i completely missed what he was saying. Now he's looking at me like he's waiting for an answer. Tell me - what are the chances of that happening?

Okay so I know that his name is Shaggy - I'm sure that is a nickname- I mean would any parent in their right mind name their child Shaggy?

Anyways I'm not understanding what he's saying - he's talking too fast like he's nervous - I lost him the moment he asked for my number. I'm not willing to make the same mistakes I made with Jeremy, especially with a guy named Shaggy. So I simply said no. Okay so I didn't say it quite like that, i felt really uncomfortable and my hands where doing this thing that it does when I'm nervous and my eyes were shifting around looking for some spectator or secret camera like I'm on punk'd, I was expecting the camera would zoom in on my moment of humiliation.

"I'm sorry, I know you are probably a nice guy and all - but I'm just not interested sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry."

"Sorry."

He laughs, and i am slapping myself inside for making an ass of myself

"That's a shame - do you have a boyfriend?"

Why does that questions always come next? Would saying yes make him feel better?

"No - sorry I don't" Urgh what is wrong with me.

He laughs again - I'm not understanding what is so funny - I'm not trying to be funny, I'm just sorry.

"It's a habbit" I say to stop him staring at me in that way that makes me feel v. uncomfortable and can't quite describe.

"It's cute"

Great - He is probably thinking of his 12 year old sister and I really need to find a way out of this.

My smile is starting to crack and I'm sure he has seen enough metal mouth for him to open his own train station - Okay

So what does dumb ass do?

a) Tell him it was nice meeting him and if he wanted to grab coffee.

b) Thank Shaggy for the nice compliment

c) Smile and swiftly turn away walking straight into a cardboard cutout of Borat that makes you scream like a sissy. then you realise that you have half the store watching you and instead you go crashing straight into a crate of DVDs, causing a tidal wave of cases to set the alarms off. Talk about a beautiful exit.

Doesn't take a genius to work that one out now does it.  

I woke up this morning and remembered. that felt really strange. I was still unsure about how I was going to approach the day. Jeremy said all that he had to say, It was the end of the day, and we gave a lot but somehow that wasn't enough. He got tired and gave up, he didn't respect it, he didn't deserve it, but I still want it.

I wanted to be the girl he gives his hoodie to wear and cuddle up next to me when it's cold. I wanted him to come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist; catch me off guard and whisper how beautiful I am.

That beautiful dream has been taken away from me; dude I feel like such a loser. Just as well I never got round to introducing Jeremy as my boyfriend because that could of been extremely embarrassing right now. I'm happy enough to deal with the pityful looks I've been getting around the house of grass.

All I knew was that I needed to go out and do some serious retail shopping. However I didn't have enough time to think about hitting the shops. I had lectures to go to and people to meet up with,

I'm sitting at the back of my lecture hall. My hair is in the same way I left it this morning and my eyes feel like I've had 40 seconds in the ring with the Big Show.

King Elvis lips are moving but my head is struggling to grasp exactly what he is saying. the more I'm trying to focus the harder it is to consentrate.

Hezekiah nudges me continuously until I look at him.

"Welcome to planet earth Bambi, where's your head at?" He asks

"I'm asking myself the same questions"

"You okay?"

"Tired."

"You're never tired - what's happened?"

I sigh. "I'm considering having a life transplant, you think they're expensive?"

"Life wouldn't be life if it wasn't crazy."

I raise my eyebrows and turn back to King Elvis.

"I can deal with crazy, I can deal with unpredicable, what I can't deal with is Mr Willoughby"

"What?" i can feel Kiah's green eyes watching me.

"Ignore me - I'm not worth listening to right now."

I've discovered that everything Jeremy told me last night was lies. Since when did guys think deeply about whether they had things in common - as if. Boys don't do deep. Boys are simple - simple and stupid.

"So it's like that right?" Kiah says going back to playing solitare on his i pod - I mean who actually does that?

I tear my mind away from thought involving boys and rocks and find King Elvis collecting spare lecture notes. while grinning at me.

"Lectures over Molly."

I'm looking around for Hezekaih who I find is chatting up a beautiful female. Life. x 

Hello fellow Bloggers! Molly Sue is my name. I'm pretty much as complicated and unpredictable as the novels that I write. I'm naive enough to believe in the fairy tales that help me sleep, and fall for men like Mr Willoughby who tell lies to cover other lies, as well as trust girls who will always talk about me but I still consider them as friends *sigh* the absurdity.

Today I start this blog on a an extremely confusing note. I think I've just been dumped. I say "think" because I'm actually confused with where things where going in the first place - I'm not even sure how he felt about me - all I know though is most of the time I felt like his dirty little secret - and I'm not sure why.

Jeremy is an alright guy, there isn't anything particularly special about him on the outside, but inside somewhere he has a heart and will always look out for his friends.

Things have been really strange the past few days, I've been left feeling that I've done something wrong, said something that I shouldn't of said. I felt like he was stringing me along. My rules are; Don't stay because you think "it will get better" because I'll be just mad at myself later for staying when things are not better.

So I asked what was going on - and I guess I didn't get the answer I wanted.

"I just think that we should stop things before they get too far-"

Okay I'm extremely confused because everything seemed fine - well it was fine - until I caught him watching me without saying anything.

"I don't think that things will work out between us"

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Knowing this I just looked at him for a very long time; trying to decide whether I was sad about this news. I knew I should of gotten up and left - but I really wanted to know why.

They say curiosity killed the cat; but I still wanted to know; even though I knew it was going to be something that I didn't want to hear.

"Why?"

"We have nothing in common - you know that." I did?

Did he realise this before or after he stuck his tongue down my throat on more than one occasion?

"I'm really sorry." He says - strangely he can't quite meet my eye. sorry my ass.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" I say leaving his room.

"We are okay aren't we as friends?" I'm not quite sure whether that is a question or statement, all I know is that if a relationship ends because the man boy was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no you can't "be friends" A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Yeah whatever. This must of been how Meredith felt when Mc Dreamy went back to his wife, it's like your dog dying and your mother telling you that you can still keep it.

So I'm walking back to my room and I'm proud of myself for not breaking down in tears and begging for another chance to prove myself - that can wait for some other time; like never. I think I handled myself quite well. x